Do you know this feeling? That cautious, almost fearful way of saying things? The endless softening, qualifying, hesitating - just to make sure no one gets hurt? Welcome to the world of "cotton-wool-wrapping." A world where we protect each other so much that, eventually, we stop learning from one another. Because no one dares to say what truly needs to be said.
But why do we do this? Why do we hesitate to speak plainly? Why do we avoid conflicts as if they were some nasty, contagious disease?
Cotton Wool as a Shield – Or Just Fear?
Jordan Peterson*, a Canadian psychologist and author, once said: “If you wrap people in cotton wool, if you protect them from everything sharp, you make them sluggish and narcissistic.”
A harsh statement. But one that holds an uncomfortable truth. If we shield each other too much, if we always soften our words, protect others from conflict, and avoid saying anything critical - are we really doing it to protect THEM? Or are we, in reality, primarily protecting OURSELVES?
Yes, conflicts are always uncomfortable. They require courage, clarity, and the willingness to confront difficult truths. But if we keep wrapping others in cotton wool, what does that say about us? Maybe it means we are afraid of the consequences. Afraid of hurting someone - or of being criticized ourselves. Maybe we avoid conflicts because they force us to self-reflect. And maybe, just maybe, wrapping others in cotton wool isn’t protecting them - it’s protecting us. We wrap them up not for THEIR sake, but for OUR OWN comfort.
Because when we avoid conflicts, we often do so not out of kindness, but out of sheer fear and pure convenience. Fear that the other person might react negatively. Or that we ourselves might face pushback or a harsh response. Or - and this is perhaps the most uncomfortable thought - because engaging with the truth would simply be too exhausting.
But what happens when we wrap ourselves too tightly in cotton wool? We become soft. Passive. Comfortable. We stop questioning ourselves. We lose the ability to handle criticism. And eventually, we sit in a room full of people who are all toxically and superficially nice to each other - but no one is growing. And no one is being honest.
Conflict Is Not War. It’s Trust.
The opposite of “wrapping in cotton wool” is not harshness or coldness. It is not brutality, ruthlessness, or the kind of rhetoric that claims, “You should be able to say anything.” It is trust.
Trust that the other person can handle criticism. Trust that conflict helps us grow - individually and as a team. Trust that the other person can take constructive feedback. Trust that we, in turn, can handle any pushback or counter-criticism. Trust that we are capable of speaking to each other with respect and honesty. And trust that we are stronger than our own comfort. Because real growth does not come from consensus but from friction.
How Do We Break Out of the Cotton-Wool World?
It’s about finding the courage to tear down this protective layer. It’s about the willingness to be honest without being hurtful. And it’s about creating an environment where clarity and openness are not threats but signs of strength and respect.
If you notice that your team (or you) is speaking in cotton wool too often, a simple exercise can help: “Tearing Down the Cotton-Wool Wall.” The goal is to recognize why we avoid conflict - and to develop alternatives.
Step one is making the cotton wool visible and becoming aware of it. Draw a big “cotton-wool wall” on a flipchart or list common avoidance strategies (e.g., “avoiding conflict,” “sugarcoating problems,” “holding back critical feedback”).
Step two is reflection. Discuss: Why does this happen? What holds us back from being honest? What could happen if we communicated more clearly? What do we need to create a culture of openness and honesty?
Step three is solutions. Develop ideas on how the team can communicate constructively - without excessive cushioning, but with respect.
And for those who love a dramatic gesture, you can symbolically tear down or smash through the cotton-wool wall.
Breaking Free from the Cotton-Wool Comfort Zone
So, if you want to change something, or need to, whether in yourself or your team, start with the way you speak. Be brave. Be clear. And most importantly: Be honest. Because growth doesn’t happen in cotton wool. Growth happens where things get uncomfortable. And that’s exactly what makes us stronger.
*Who is Jordan Peterson?
Jordan Peterson is a Canadian clinical psychologist, author, and professor, known for his controversial positions on topics such as individual responsibility, freedom, and societal norms. His views are often polarizing, as they are seen as both inspiring and provocative. His works include books like 12 Rules for Life, in which he discusses personal development and ethical behavior.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Henriette Frädrich is a keynote speaker, moderator, and storytelling expert. With energy, humor, and depth, she takes her audience on a journey through impactful topics: from change and resilience to motivation, innovation, artificial intelligence, communication, and leadership.
Her mission? To simplify complexity, open minds, and touch hearts. Whether on big stages or in interactive workshops, she combines profound knowledge with emotional storytelling, creating lasting “aha” moments. Her talks are captivating experiences that inspire and empower people to take their next step with confidence.
